Sometimes i wonder what is the definition of happiness...

was having a wonderful time with my "one and only beloved". was outing with her last night and this is really out of my expectation because i thought we will never be friend again. when was the last time we smile with no awkwardness and guilt on our faces?... how long? how long?... only that someone who meant so much to you can cause so much of pain to your heart. i've lost all my hope and happiness ever since that day. yet i am grateful for all the past and painful experience which make me stronger and slowly walk out from the sorrow. i am really grateful that we finally met after a very long period of cool down. time forces us to grow, and we move on. finally we can talk like normal friends and face each other without escaping each other's eyesight.

i still love her. but we aren't going to be together.
we can be friends, even soulmate. but will not be together.
and there is no point to be together since i do not want to tie down by the title.
there is no point if the feeling is not from both parties..

am i in open relationship? i doubt so.
我爱的人，并不是爱我的人。
I still leave my options open..

So... i am still single and available~

i really enjoy the visit to SEA Aquarium because i love to see fishes~ i like the colorful appearance of them. i envy the simple life they having. just need to swim and eat. unfortunately, i am not a fish.. too many things occupied my mind and i cant lead a simple and innocent life.

however, i am grateful that i have my source of happiness with me now.
more good life are moving towards me..
stay positive is the key.

Grateful for all the small little events that happen ard us.

There must be a reason behind it to happen.

Life had drained all my energy in the past few days. I got this weird rashes at my neck. Very itchy and it started to get painful when i sweat... i had tried varies powder la, cream la, it just get worsen everyday.. furthermore i working for the long weekend. So it is very inconvenient for me to keep my affected area dry coz i sweat alot during work.

Long weekend, sushi tei is extremly busy as usual. When i reached home, i was fatigue... feeling weak then i realised i was fever all the while.... not sure is the rashes or is the busy work.. it doesn't matter also coz I still feeling weak and tired either way.

Then yesterday was my last day at sushi tei, so i came home quite early. then i was so glad that the hell like life is over.i no longer need to wake up early in the morning and rush here and there to work. Finally the stressful working life is over. But then, i check my timetable to design for the tutorial balloting, i felt so stressful.. what if i cant get my module... i am still bidding for my forth module... end up i didn't do much cleaning for my room. i was doing so much planning for the timetable. Still cant get it why they dun just preallocate all the modules for us instead.. timetabling is such a pain!!!

Today is the new sem. New start for me. Just forget about all the failure in the past and move on. Jiayou jiayou jiayou!

Going to slack tmr~ have fun!

花心

无法原谅这样的自己。。。
怎么可以放纵自己的心到处游走？
就算是不可能在一起的也不该不专一。。
一个是我早就该放下的，
一个是明明白白清清楚楚拒绝我三次的。。。
但到底我该怎么样。。。

我也需要一个心灵寄托。。
一个能让我一心一意喜欢的对象。。
我不需要名分，不需要回报，更不需要她的喜欢。
我只需要她不拒绝我的付出就行了。
我也不是什么有钱人，
没有能力让她拥有富裕的日子，
所以我也不奢求什么。
我拥有的也不多，
但我真的愿意付出所有。
只是这个对象好像不曾存在。。

平静下来。
不该想那么多，没必要。。
我的决定，我对自己负责。
就算我真的花心，也没有人可以指责我
单身的我，花心有什么不对
反正没有人会在乎

悸动

尘封已旧的感情为什么还要被翻开？。。
好不容易平静的心又泛起了涟漪。。
好痛。
呼吸好痛。。。
思念已回不来的过去，
眼前又浮现出以往一幕幕的幸福，
但无限的自责却让我无法呼吸。。。
我的心好吵闹。。
到底我想怎样？？

你曾经是我的挚爱。
到如今，依然是我的唯一。。
此时此刻耳边依然听得见你哀求我放手的声音。。
无法逃离的罪恶感，一辈子缠绕我。。。

就算我还爱着你又能怎样？
你依旧无法接受我。。
就算我现在已经不奢望跟你在一起了，
也不想要任何名分，你会不会让我不求回报的对你付出？
会不会不再逃避我？
还是依然会再次哭着求我放手？。。。
我的心不可能再承受得住你的祈求。
再一次我一定会崩溃。。。

我的心一直有你。。
我以为我不看不听不想就能放下你。
但对你的情，一直都在。。

我的心怎样，都是我的事。
无论有多么不舍，我也不会勉强你接受。
你只想做朋友，我会尊重你。

收起来...
这些不该浮现于世的感情，通通收起来。
这是我能给你的最后的温柔。。

Gateaway

Big surprise~~ this room is out of my expectation! Perfect for 4~ really comfy and nice ~ worth my RM158~

Tonight i gonna have a nice and sweet rest~

Jello my sweet gateaway~

ONS

Guilty much..... But since you had treat this like nothing had happened, I shall just treat this as ONS with open minded.

I am so confused..

Deep down in my heart i still love you... No matter how long it has passed, you still have a place in my heart. Although I knew we will never ever get back together again.. You always live in my heart. I can face you like normal friend. I can even treat you like nothing had ever happened before. Because I had put down and move on.. 

I am not a playboy. I can't have 2 people on my mind simultaneously..

When I had decided to like someone, i put whole hearted into it...

I already have LTJ on my mind now, so I can't put you on my mind...

Although her and I will not ever be together. 

I still wish to stay by her side..

So... I am confused.... 

Unless you would come back to me, otherwise that is not possible for me to flirt ard...

Loyalty is the only thing that I am proud of...

ONS is just ONS...

I wun think much about this. 

You shouldn't too... If you have decided to move on, you shouldn't.

YEAH!!!! My xPeria Z is finally belongs to me!!!!!

Will post some photos tmr~ now fatigue... Din sleep at all last night....

Fight or flight

撇清撇清〜 你就那么忙着撇清。好像我会吃人那样。。唉〜无语。。。

When will you give me another " what do you want? " again?...

Why are you so scare of me? 

Although I really like you, but doesn't meant I want us to be together.

I might be really selfish. I enjoy the feeling when I with you. 

I like the "free feeling" and it make me happy~

I like to chat with you freely and hangout with you.

Is there anything wrong to love to feel happy? 

Aren't you the one who honor the "rules of the secret" so much?

Someone been saying, this is a choice of life. 

And this is my choice of life. Not yours. 

So what are you worry about?.. Just treat me like normal friend will do~ 

I wun force anyone to do anything that is against his/her will.

And I never wanted you to treat me the way I treat you.

I wun lie to you that I do feel a thing of you, and you knew it if you had read this blog all this while..

Please dun feel obligation to respond to me or whatever.

The only thing that I need from you is just be who you are.

I adore and admire the independent and strong minded you.

Just be who you are.

You may ignore me if you please, and i wun have second word on this.

So just be casual~ dun be stress~~

If you still choose to run away, I have nothing to say.

Fight on or flight, is your choice.

现实

这种压力压得我喘不过气来。。钱啊钱啊。。。。为什么怎么赚都不够的。。。。

现实很残酷，偏偏要我在家人和金钱上做个选择。。

为了这个一千八百块的宿舍费，我日夜奔波，到最后，好像还是赶不及。。。

我慌啊！！！

一时冲动把新币换掉了，现在缺个大洞我该怎么办才好。。。。

本来预算我还会有至少一千可以当应急的储备金，可是现在我可能连宿舍的费用都来不及准备。。。

如果我明天真的倒下了，后果真的不堪设想。。。

九月的那份薪水真的太重要太重要。。。

我看只有我这种人才会八月一号就开始担心九月一号的薪水吧。。。

不是我money minded。

如果我有家人可以依靠该有多好。。。。

不必担心钱的问题还有多好。。。

过一天算一天的日子我还要过多少。。

开学后我可能还必须打工。。

学业为先还是生存为先？

现实又再逼我做选择了。。。

接下来的十个星期我就得再烦去哪里再搞来一千八百块。。

不然就得露宿街头了。。。

到头来，现实又要逼我做选择了。。

其实这些都不惨。

最惨的是我这些烦恼一个字都不能让我父母知道，

他们知道了该有多自责。。。该有多烦恼。。。。

我一个人烦就够了。

泪流干了，人就坚强了。

这次我选择不强求。

勉强没幸福的~ 我这次也看开了。。没有像上次那样伤心欲绝或是失望的感觉。其实我对自己说了声“哦”，然后就没感觉了。。可能是被拒绝多了，都已麻木了吧。。虽然我有点慌，不知道该找谁陪我去，但还是不勉强你。连理由我都没问。没事的~大不了跟妈妈去二人世界一下。就只是闷了点~

我心态改变了。你对我好，我当是bonus，额外的收获~你对我冷淡，我当是正常的。本来你就没义务回应我。所以我也没期待，就自然没失望~

谁先认真谁就先输了。。
那就再让我当loser多一次吧~
我现在只想全心全意认真的放心思在你身上。
再一次，认真的喜欢你。
就算以后不可能会牵手也没关系。
我没那么肤浅。
只要能像现在这样，我已经满足。

你会不会回应也不重要。
我不会后悔，也不会勉强你作任何事。
所以，没有任何牵绊，不需要你的commitment。。
只求不要躲着我就够了。

我老早就已准备好，输给你输得彻彻底底。