我真的是太累了。。。累得我只想哭。

还是因为我害怕？。。害怕所有付出的努力都是白做？

为什么我会那么在乎这科早就已经放弃的科目？还是因为我真的努力太久，累过度了？。。。

我好累。。不想去想别的了。。。

RIP chenyong...

I was so shocked and stunt.. dunno what to say nor think when i heard the news that he passed away... I still couldn't believe that he left... he is so young... still so young..... i am regret that i didn't fulfilled his wish that he wanted to take graduation photos with us.. i did gave him promise that i will take a photo with him but i didn't manage to do so... i'm so sorry....

i really wish he was left without pain...

you will be missed... always...

i dunno what to say... life is so fragile...

i was so shock when i saw him again... in this state, i really couldn't accept the fact.. he used to be a very healthy and cheerful guy. always saw him as the first person i met whenever i went to sch during poly.. although we are not close friend, but we did spend some fun time together, we did chiong project and assignment together and stay back in sch until late night for games.. now i think back, he is in most of my poly memory since i left my cliques...

i cant control my emotion when i saw him.. really difficult... especially when heard his brother convey his last will to us, i cried... i never know losing a friend is so painful... i never been in this situation before.. this is really painful.. that kind of pain that i dunno who can i talk to... i am lucky that i visited him today... at least i still can feel his warm hand again, not a cold body.. jiayou chen yong.

life is so fragile.... just a fall.... from that fall, all the bad lucks begin...

it's a back to square one...

u are avoiding me, since the day u wishes me.... are v going back to the pathetic old past again?.. i really dun wish it to happen actually..... it had been tough for us to went through and walk away from it... i dun wish the same thing happen again to you again. it's too painful... n u dun deserved to go through all these..

i dunno what to do now.. leave u alone and cuts all the connections? or keep bugging u until u get used to it? which way would helps to reserve our friendship? i seriously dunno.. it's not my call this time..

I dunno what to say to you...

hmmm.... i think i replied everyone's wishes on fb... but i refuse to reply yours...
kind of dunno what to say... may b i will write u an letter instead~ LOL...

but i think i'll just say,
"It's so nice to have you being my fiend~"

I really cherish everything i have. I am blessed.

this might be the worst birthday thay i ever had. so stressful!!!

I had a essay submission on my birthday and have exam tmr, in which is the subject that i worry the most... I have no confident at all.. very big potion of my overall marks on this exam, really stressful...

my finger never stop today... keep rushing for report and coding.. n i dun even have time to give myself a good birthday meal. the worst time i ever had... i can accept that whole world dun celebrate with me, but i cant tolerant myself ill treat myself at my birthday. i'm so sad and hate myself on this...

again.. u r not there when i need u the most....
i noe i asked for too much... a wishes from u may b is the most u can give me.. not 1 minutes of chat. not even 10seconds....

i couldn't calm myself down... i just doesn't have the strength to do so.... i never feel so helpless in programming before.. what to do?.... no one is there for me...... 

even 3 seconds is sufficient...
but u wun.

cry on birthday?. what a nice way to end my day...

happy birthday to me

first post when i am officially 23.

i was waiting, n when i got your reply, i am contented. this is the birthday that i wanted...
i thought u already forgotten this day as i seem like nothing to u actually...
i cant denied that i am sad to heard that u had forgotten everything regarding me, but i glad that u acknowledge that we will be friends.

life is nothing but making choices everyday. i am adult now, i take full responsibility in every decision tat i made. so i cant blame life, i should blame myself? lol... no. i conquer them, i dun admit defeated, never. i might not have the strength to win the life, but i tried to survive thru. i cant agree wit what u said.

lol... but each and every sentences that u said to me, meant the whole world to me. sometimes inspiring, sometime devastating. haha.. but i still take every word seriously.

thank you for remembering my birthday without facebook. may our friendship last forever.

i luv u my soulmate, thank god for introduce u into my life~

i wun cry. i promise myself not to shed for u anymore. i supposed to be happy now.

every year around this period i am always down...

how many years since the last time i laugh sincerely from my heart?
how long did i really celebrate my birthday with joy?..
i dun remember... cant recall......

i cried. i dunno is because of the drama or is because of my heart is so painful...
drama is just an excuse...
the sorrow that i hid, came back to me....
overflow me...
overpowered me....

i cried.... from the deepest, darkest side of my heart....
why are u still torturing me?....

how do i live my life from now on?....

i really hate myself so much....

i detest this state of mine.
lost my soul and lost my mind...

i really hate myself

万事互相效力，叫爱神的人得益处

well... today i learnt new lesson from my detest poly lecturer...

i think my mindset isn't right. but i refuse to face it coz i still innocent enough to think that i still able to slack and last minute will still works for uni just like what i did in poly. (although i didn't slack in poly at all).. just that kind of innocent thought. then when time goes by, i realise is harder and harder to catch up, my body just refuse to chiong anymore and just gave up without even trying.

this lecturer is the one that always has prejudice against me. he is bias to bright student and dun even bother to answer my question. so i hate him so much...

today i saw him in canteen of my school. then i wish so much that he dun see me and walk away... who knows he saw me and share table with me.. i was like... doom.... then he say, "why are u here?" .... obviously i am student right? cant he tell? "study lo~ why are u here then?" "I'm doing master here." i was like... i can feel my jaws fall to the ground... then he say he is nus alumni summore. and talk a lot about the teaching and study styles in nus... then he analyse to me that why nus is so tough as compare to other uni in sg. coz of the ranking. in order to maintain the world ranking, the student produces by the sch must be on certain quality. so it cant be simple, it cant portrait the quality of the student. and in order to have high quality student, the studies must be hard. what make a NUS graduates stand out among the others is how knowledgable and how easy the nus grads can solve a difficult problem as compare to the rest.. higher the competition, higher the quality. my lab TA is actually my TP senior. so surprise. he proves to me that poly grads is not inferior than JC, what make the difference? JC student are strong in math and literature, but we poly grads also have our strength. what make the difference? why china and vietnam student can perform better than us although they facing language barrier, what make the difference?? your competitor does not have 25 hours a day, does not have 2 brains, they are just another normal human being,  just like you. you face difficulties, they face the same difficulties too. why they can surpass the challenge, why cant you??

i cant denied that, he is saying the truth. i totally agree to that. if i want an easy degree, i can choose to go to other uni, but i choose NUS because i know how valuable is the cert after 4 years. i choose this path isn't it? what make me lost my initial passion and faith to conquer this degree? just because of these small and minor threats and i admit defeated?? this is not me. i have to accept the truth that i am no longer kids, i'm no longer under the big umbrella of protection anymore. is the time to face my failure and pick myself up. if i dun do it myself, nobody would. if i choose to fail myself, no one can help me.

although i hate him, but i have to thank him very much. he did make my sense come back when i am at the edge of giving up.