我看不到曙光。。。

总觉得，随时失去生命并没有什么大不了。。
死就死吧。
这样悲观的我到底在为什么努力？

到底在争扎什么？。。。

"Get myself back"
i like this song very much... the first time i heard this song, i just cant stop listening to it, although i dun understand the lyrics at all... undeniable, i am always wanted to b myself.. but throughout my 21 years of life, how long i am "myself", the real me? i doubt is longer than 1 year... sad... always wearing different masks make me lost my real personality. i miss myself... may b i became a better person as compared to my past, may b i had became more successful as compared to my 一无是处 past... although changes is good, but i felt that i m no longer the "me" that i am.... sometime.... i hate who i am...

these days.... i m very down... i m too stress and restless.. mainly because my body refuse to cooperate with me as i wanted to chiong yet my brain kept protest and sailing all the time. i was very restless yesterday. i wake up, then i stare at the ceilling of my room, i cant wake up... i was lying on my bed the whole day... i can say i m enjoying my sleep when the rain is so heavy... i do nothing at all... whole day.. in that moment, i do find that, this is me. the real me... lazyness.... simple minded... or i should say, blanks in mind... free from all the troubles... although it is just that moment... i hate myself even more... "man r contradicting creature" i wanted to b myself, yet i hate "myself" more when i became "myself" back. I really lost myself.... who m i? what m i?

well... it had been a while since the last time i blogged... mainly is because i m very very busy n exhausted since the past month... TPIs had occupied my whole month since mid April.. non-stop meeting n events until today... tomorrow is my only chance to rest and charge my battery...

although TPIS is quite mafan n tiring, but i really know a lot of freshies... i remember their name summore =) it is so interesting to remember their name n shout their name out of sudden when they dun even know who m i. XD xD XD some of them r quite friendly to me while some of them r not. but i really enjoy myself playing around with these freshies... they alwas bright up my day =)

today had a Istana Outing at Orchard area.. wake up super early coz i m suppose to commit as i going to stop all my TPIS commitments start from May... so ya... overall is quite interesting coz i "flirting around" with my china freshies... a lot of good looking girls this time... n they r fooling around with me also.. damn epic... i really felt no regret to accompany them since week -1until today... they r really interesting n nice =D hope to spend more time with them but i dun think i got the chance anymore... sad...

i feel very very uneasy and shy when someone stay too close to me. as in step into my "private" zone. today... someone is hugging my arm for the whole day in public... = =" i know she dunno i m "special" in some way, so i try to walk away so that she is outside my zone... really dunno la... may b her culture love to hug ppl?? dun really understand how she think...

i dunno what i want. rcently, ppl around me r all couple.... i really felt very very hurt after break... i m silly n stupid... let a playgirl hurt me so badly when i know she never serious in me....hope this busy sem will numb me so that i got no extra memory space to sad for that...may b i should really let it over... no point cry over spilt milk... she wouldn't come back to me also... stop wasting my tears....

hopefully i can survive before i fly off... this term is blok teaching which is alreally very very packed schedule n because of gambit, my term become 4 weeks. which means i need to submit my mgpg final delivery by week 5. n do my bscg presentation before my class test. and submit my gaud assignment by this coming friday... i think i m going to b zombie from tues onward.... what a miserable life i have....

yesterday is a unforgetable experience for me....

I BATH IN GUY'S TOILET SIA!!!!!!! LOL!!!!

today too tired, so update tmr... nite world...

well... i think i had tired up myself for quite a while.... i quite sometime din play games ady... quite some time din sleep well without the need to wake up early... quite some time din have a nice meal... quite some time din watch movie nor hang out with friends.... my vacation is like no life at all.... meetings, working, events, camps.... irritating sia.... =(

recently i fell in love with drinking. i noe i m lousy. i also know the drunk feeling doesn't feel good. yet i like to drink now... may b when i drunk, my mind can finally rest for a while... my body finally get to fall into deep sleep without any dream... when i drunk, i wun think so much nor thinking of you..... is kind of relief.... i think.... lol... recently i love bottom up.. although drunk faster, but i like drunk... crazy me....

i m confused...... m i really fall in love with yinru, or yingsze? the name is similar... even the hp number is similar.... sometime i really confused... i dunno who m i calling or which number m i dialing.... when i drunk, all my mind is u... but it is like complicated and messy.... i dunno is u or yingsze.... i really dun understand myself.....

is time to get myself another can of beer.....

i was drunk yesterday..... 1 can of heineken.... 1 hour, then i fall unconcious... damn lousy.... i dun like tiger, too bitter, then is carlsberg... also bitter... heineken taste like shandy, bt lack of beer taste... anyway, i drunk also.... i think heineken make me drunk faster than carlsberg... dunno y.... may b bcoz it dun have the typical beer taste, i take bigger sip, then i drunk faster....

oh ya... 4got to update here.... i got OSIP... i pass GAMBIT application... i m going to Boston by June.

i dunno how to happy nor how to sad... i got no feeling... just that i kinda worry n stress.... let's c how when sch reopen ba...

i kena dump again n again... kind of sad.... i dunno what or where or which part i did not good enuf... i m sad.... i dun want to give up, but i dunno how to carry on... as she already lost interest on me... i dunno what i m insist on.... so tired....

drunk cant make me forget u.... but make me luv u more.....

Today is another long day for me..... 10am meeting until 2pm, then stay in sch for another meeting until 5pm, then go little india to do field trip survey, then go my colleague's house to reformat laptop until 11pm.... i m super tired now....... plus inhale a lot of 2nd hand smoke.... my brain is like going to burst in any minute.... my shirt is soak with very very strong cigratte smell... =( hate this smell so much...

i wanna go home... damn TPIS!!!!! y got so many meeting sia?.... last minute summore... ruin my schedule lo!!!! i wanna go home..... i miss my bed, i miss my pillow, i miss my mum, i miss everything in kluang....

i like ur perfume smell.... i still remember it.... so i m so shock when i smell the similar smell on bus.... i do regret for the decision i made... i admit 心软 dy.... but i dun think i will step into it... i m tired... i want to b loved by other ppl... i dun have any enegy to love a person that does not like me at all.... single side love is very torturing.... i thought i had recovered from it... yet, i still find so hard tlo breath.... hollow and sorrow occupied my body.... helpless.... i need a hand.....

我想我是工作压力太大了。。。整个晚上都没睡好。。闭上眼就看到sushi tei。。。看到自己忙碌的样子，看到顾客投诉的状况，看到自己挨骂。。。整个晚上都是sushi tei。。。现在好累好累。。好像根本就没睡，应该比没睡还要累吧。。。

我自己都不知道自己怎么了。。整个人很没精神，没胃口。。。我没有很伤心，没有哭，就是开心不起来。。我怎么了。。

想到要回家，我的压力也越来越重。。怎么了？。。一点也不开心。。。我到底要逃避到什么时候？？为什么我就是没有勇气去面对？。。对自己越来越失望。。

袁述惠！你要颓废到什么时候？你什么时候才要振作？

i had a bad dream last nite.... i was so lost and helpless.... i dunno what m i chasing of... kept running and running.... chasing a "train" may b?? i m not very sure... i was very tired, but i cant find my way back when i wanted to go home.... is like.... lost my direction..... i saw u in my dream... but i lost my sight on u.... felt so lonely and depress.... felt like losing my breath.... felt.... so painful.... i was covered with sweat when i woke up from dream... whole shirt is wet... although i slept in aircon room... i m not sure did i cry, coz my eyes were painful this morning.... cant open widely.... i fell too deep isit?......

我就连打电话的勇气都没有。。。失败。。
我想。。。是因为我害怕听到我不想听到的事实。。